Baby/Wedding/Whatever Showers

Oh showers. They are amazing if you are the honoree. If you're not, they can either be tolerable or a total pain in the ass.

Notables:
*You arrive, maybe you don't know anyone but the guest-of-honor, who will be occupied. This forces you to make small talk with their cousin, Janie. A belly-dancing, accountant who loves to chat.
*You play the games, which are super lame- but at least it passes the time. *
*You are usually fed pretty well, also a bonus.
*The presents go on for-ev-er. You can only oooh and ahhh at towels/onesies/etc... for about 20 minutes before it loses its luster.
*Sometimes your harboring a secret that you are bursting to tell anyone/everyone/strangers that you just can't tell.
*Sometimes the guest list included your nemesis.Your bitch, ex-coworker, that led to your ultimate leaving of an organization, is in attendance... You're the first 2 non-family members there. She. talks. to. you. for. hours. Now, this is your friend's shower. I can't punch her in the face or scream, "Don't touch my baby!" You have to smile through it... for 5 god damn hours.

Showers. Congrats for your event. Can I go now?

Exaggerations and Annoying Me

Why must everything always be so damn dramatic? I understand that pregnancy and parenting is a big deal, I can relate... BUT I'm so tired of hearing the same repetitious, over-exaggerated, b.s.

I'm aware that this sounds whiny but I don't care.

Here are some of my "favorites":
1. OMG! I have the worst craving for...
* What you actually meant to say is that you have a sweet tooth or feel the need to crave something weird.

2. Oh, my child is cranky from teething!
* No, your child is a child. Therefore they are cranky. This is just like when people talk about their baby being colicky. No, dear, she's tired.

3. I can feel the baby kick! I know I'm only 9 weeks...
*NO. You cannot physically feel movement. I know that you really really really want to but it's not possible. You can be hyper-aware of that precious peanut, regardless. :)

4. My morning sickness, wah wah wah.
* Yea. I had "morning sickness" 3 times a day through my second trimester. I threw up at the same times every day for months. It wasn't really a big deal. Puke and move on.

5. My morning sickness, wah wah wah (2).
* This deserves 2 mentions because I also don't want to hear about your morning sickness, anymore than you want to hear about mine. Talking about puking and what makes you puke is kind of gross, when unprompted... Like, say, on my Facebook newsfeed... Barf.

6. OH. You didn't/did breastfeed...
*First of all, I did (for 13 months). Don't judge me  or anyone else, either way. It's my/our prerogative. Be less sanctimonious. You'll have more friends, less enemies, and you'll live longer.  Maybe you'll even have more sex and become a doctor when you grow up. Mostly, you'll hurt less people's feelings... Unless they ask your opinion. Then be a giant bastard, if you want to.

7.To be continued...

What similar/different things do people say/do that annoy you?
Don't say overuse ellipses...!
Also, I didn't bother to proofread this one. Forgive me if I worte  hte rwnog wrods.

Vaccination Rant

As usual, I've decided that people are dumb. What's so infuriating is that they don't have to be so dumb. They let idiots sway their decisions. Fucking sheep.

At least this sheep is cute.

Sorry. I'm currently enraged about the hype around not vaccinating your children. 

There are several things that make this unfathomable to me. 

1. I don't know about you but I don't want my kid to get:

• smallpox
• measles
• mumps
• rubella
• fucking polio.
• others

2. The rest of us like herd immunity. This happens when the majority of a group receives a vaccination. Then, if a horrible virus/bacteria spurs up, it will not run amok because of a lack of susceptible hosts. 

3. If you are worried about Autism and its possible link... Why? Where are you getting your information? Is it a credible source? 

I'm going to pause here. Please take a moment to read this: http://www.cnn.com/2011/HEALTH/01/05/autism.vaccines/index.html

Wakefield was stripped of his license. He was accused of intentionally skewing results because of an employer. He selected cases that would benefit his agenda. He used no control. Here's a wiki: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Andrew_Wakefield Seriously, Google him. Plug his name into JSTOR. This man's actions are still imprinted in people's minds. 

If you have concerns with the preservatives in vaccines, opt to break up the shots. Sure, it's more shots but the doses are greatly reduced. Whatever your reasons, I strongly believe that vaccines should be required for children. As an adult, feel free to screw yourself up. You then have a reasonably strong immune system. 

I'm so tired of semi-celebrities waving their flags for causes that they haven't researched. If autism has affected your family, I'm truly sorry, but quit pointing fingers. Vaccines save lives. That's all there is to it.

Even Autism Speaks does not recognize this as information. Please see: http://www.autismspeaks.org/science/policy-statements/information-about-vaccines-and-autism

Whatever your decision, for the love of [insert spiritual religious/whatever figure here], please please please please research it for yourself. The internet and the *gasp* library are resources to be used to educate yourself. Be wary of your sources. Don't believe what you see a "celebrity" just because of their star power. Make sure that they can back their shit up. Educate yourself.

Fun Fact: Did you know that the smallpox virus has been 100% erradicated because of the smallpox vaccine?

Things That I Say Every. Day.

Upon having my daughter, I didn't realize all of the different things that I say on a regular basis. Here are some of my favs:

1. Stop licking the garbage can!
2. No floor licking!
3. What's in your mouth?!*
4. Stop biting my toe!
5. Stop eating my hair!
6. You can't lift your foot if you are standing on it.
7. I'm sorry that I have to take the spoon out of your mouth before it magically has more food on  it.
8. Please don't put mashed potatoes in your nose.
9. No wall licking!
10. Stop eating your board book. 

*Okay, I expected this one BUT I use it so often that it is noteworthy.

What things do you say to your little one that you didn't expect?

Momma Bear

You know what sucks? Everyone else's kids...

My baby is the first to arrive at the location. She runs back and forth with a walker. She is having a great time.

Baby Mood Level: Squealing with happiness

Then, the other kid (henceforth known as kid B) shows up. The other kid is a little older and in a more possessive stage.

Baby Mood Level: REALLY happy. "Another baby?! Yuuuuus!"

It starts well. Kid B offers my girl a toy, which she happily accepts.

Baby Mood Level: Still happy as a pig in shit.

After much playing with smaller toys, my girl moves back to the walker that she had been having such a great time with, previously.

Baby Mood Level: HAPPY! "I love that toy!"

My girl plays with said toy until Kid B spots this. Kid B promptly runs over and knocks my girl over.

Baby Mood Level: So hurt! In hysterics. "What an injustice! How could I be so mistreated?"

My girl decides that she really wants at this toy, or the similar toy and tries again. Same. Results.

Baby Mood Level: So hurt! In hysterics. "What did I do to Kid B?! Mommy!!!!"

Oh, AND my girl is also a sympathetic baby. So, every time Kid B cried, she sobbed. This went on for the better part of 3 hours. The urge to knock over the other kid was insurmountable. I wanted to cry. The other parent is used to their kid knocking others over and didn't do/say much. I, on the other hand, am not used to her being knocked over, repeatedly. I'll have to wear gloves, to hide my mommy claws, the next time.

Babies are Crazy

So my daughter is an early walker. No, this is not a post about how life is harder with a mobile baby. People who feel that way drive me nuts. 

Babies are tiny people --> Most people walk upright/mostly upright --> Babies eventually will walk, even if it's like a drunken sailor.

It's natural progression.

Anywho, early walker apparently means early climbing, also. Let's see, I can't walk straight but maybe I should stand on the pop cases that are in the hallway still. Mom will catch me. Maybe I should just wrap her in bubble wrap. 

Bubble wrap is awesome.

Baby Companies are Stupid

You know what's dumb? The price of baby supplies. We're in baby-proofing mode... I didn't think it was going to be that bad. I picked up a kit before the baby was born for around $20. It has a doorknob cover, a million electrical outlet covers, those crappy safety latches for the cabinets, etc. Of those items, the only one that is really useful is the electrical outlets covers. I am shopping for baby gates, as we speak. I have to buy one for the top of the stairs and those of you who know about them, know that they are absurdly expensive. I won't name brands, but we'll put them in the ballpark of $70-$120. Lame.

Anyone have any DIY recommendations?

Names... WHY?!

Stasi. This is apparently pronounced "Stacy". WTF? Now, being pregnant myself, I understand not wanting to name your child the same thing as your friends/fam. There are a billion names out there that do not look like you had quit going to school at 6 years old. Maybe I'm being overly traditional but, what is wrong with those? You are still using a "traditional" name, you are just making it look dumb (e.g. Alycya. I wish I had made that one up).

That is all.

Sincerely,
Aymie... Barf. J/K
 ****Amy****